


The Heartless Brook

by missace



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Character Study, F/M, I killed my OFC to fit Discovery's story, Spoilers, Survivor Guilt, Therapy, Trans Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 04:49:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12574084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missace/pseuds/missace
Summary: Gabriel should have gone down with the Buran. It should have been him instead of her.





	The Heartless Brook

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for 1x05: Choose Your Pain and 1x06: Lethe.

“I would rather die.”

That was what Sam had said in response to the hypothetical situation of being captured and used for entertainment by the Klingons.

‘I would rather die’ is what echoed in Gabriel’s ears as he watched from inside his escape shuttle. Watched as they forced Sam on to her knees, her worst nightmare coming true.

She lifted her head and looked at the camera from where she knew he would be watching. Even from a distance, Gabriel could see her eyes begging him to end it (I would rather _die_ ) before a Klingon scum hit her with a backhand.

And so he did.

As the self-destruct sequence counted down the numbers, he touched the screen, fingers reverent on her face as she confronted the enemy. Sam Rajavi with her head held high, fierce, brave, and defiant to the last.

“Goodbye,” Gabriel whispered.

They had no warning, the countdown only sounded on his shuttle. The destruction of the Buran enveloped the Klingon ship that was docked too close and the double explosion lit up the view screen, blinding him. He didn’t get far enough away; started the self-destruct sequence too early. The blast rocked his shuttle, damaged his shields and made him lose his footing. He hit his head hard as he fell.

There are no sounds in the vacuum of space but he imagined that he heard their screams before he blacked out: his crew cried for his help and condemned him in the same breath.

_I would rather die._

~ * ~ * ~

Gabriel Lorca sits up in bed with a gasp, heart in his throat. Breathing heavily and sweating profusely, he kicks free from the sheets tangled around his legs and swings them to the side of the bed.

He starts the procedure that would calm him down after that nightmare. Putting his hands on top of his head, he controls his breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth. He would be standing for this if he didn’t think his knees would buckle.

It has been _weeks_ since he got back and he has the same dream over and over again. He’s really starting to _hate_ sleeping because he’ll always dream. He already doesn’t get enough sleep as it is, being a bit of an insomniac.

Once he is sure that his legs will support his reduced weight, he walks shakily to the bathroom. Now that he’s awake, might as well start the day at…0500. Fuck.

He steps into the shower with the lights at the lowest setting for him to see. Standing under the hot spray, he realizes that the last statement he heard before he woke up didn’t sound like Sam anymore; it sounded like his own voice.

~ * ~ * ~

“Do you know why you’re having this recurring dream?”

Gabriel merely flickers his eyes to settle on his therapist in mute silence, too exhausted to summon a glare at the rhetorical question.

“Your symptoms indicate survivor’s guilt, a very common reaction after witnessing a traumatic event.”

Gabriel grunts in acknowledgment. Not what he expected to hear but he’s familiar with the idea.

“Can you tell me about Sam? She was your First Officer, correct?”

Gabriel nods. “The best.”

After another stretch of silence, Dr. Carter asks, “What was your relationship with her?”

Gabriel shakes out of his reverie, mildly insulted by what his therapist was insinuating with her question.

“We were fucking but that never affected our performance.”

Dr. Carter looks at him, patiently waiting for him to continue, feathers unruffled.

Abandoning his line of attack and wanting to just get this over with, he takes a deep breath before starting, “Sam was a _he_ before she became a _she_.”

~ * ~ * ~

Saman Rajavi was Persian with high cheekbones and an infectious laugh. He ought to have been on the catwalk in a pair of high heels rather than the command track of Starfleet.   

He looked androgynous with his hairless face, which was odd for a Persian. It all made sense once he told Gabriel about the hormones, because roommates should know that about each other. Saman declared with some trepidation that he was transitioning to a female now that he was of age and no longer living under his parents’ very traditional views.

Gabriel simply tossed his duffle bag on to his bed and asked his new roommate if she was going to change her name. The fear immediately eased off of ‘Just-call-me-Sam’s’ face.

The two of them hit it off pretty well and they became the best of friends. Together with Katrina and Phillipa, they formed a squad in the command track of drinking and studying buddies. (The fuck buddies part came by later.)

Sam could hold her own against transphobic dickwads but when they all went out for a drink, she was happy to let Kat psychoanalyze said dickwads into a blubbering mess, or let Phil arm wrestle them into submission.

As for Gabriel, he was the muscle that stood in the background. His sole job was to look intimidating.

He flexed an arm, showing off bulging biceps. “Feel them, Sammy baby.”

She did with dilated pupils. In a breathy voice she said, “Archangel Gabriel, my hero.”

In his peripheral vision, he saw Kat and Phil exchange a glance. Then all four of them went back to his dorm and went at it like rabbits. (Okay, so the fuck buddies part didn’t come by _that_ much later.)

There were some stipulations to their arrangement, though. Phil was strictly a lesbian while the rest of them were varying degrees of bisexual and had a preference for their opposite gender.

Still, the sex between the four of them was mind-blowingly good and Gabriel’s ego had been stroked to astronomical heights. (Wouldn’t you if you had three beautiful and exotic women in your bed?)

Their foursome came to an end when Kat and him started to develop feelings for each other. They became a committed couple, got engaged, and then they broke up because their careers were more important to them than their relationship.

Afterwards, Gabriel met someone new, a civilian, and married her. (Sam was his Best Woman at the wedding.) Their divorce was finalized while he was on the last leg of a five-year tour. Courtney got full custody of their son as Gabriel was up in space all the time, but he got visitation rights.

He stopped on Earth for only a short, month-long break to sign the divorce papers and win his young son’s affections with toys he had bought from across the galaxy. Then he enlisted with Starfleet for another five-year tour.

Sam really deserved her own ship by then but she turned down the promotion and signed up to be Gabriel’s First Officer again (to no one’s surprise but Gabriel’s).

“Are you absolutely sure?” he asked.

Sam sighed, exasperated. “For the last time, yes!”

“But _why_ , Sam?”

“Because somebody has to be there to save your ass.”

“I’m a big boy, Sammy. I don’t need your pity.”

Gabriel realized he made a big mistake when she got that hardened gleam in her eyes.

He never backpedaled that fast. “No, wait. That came wrong.”

She turned and walked away. Marched, to be more exact, with military precision, hands clenched at either side. He ran to catch up with her.

“Sam, I’m sorry,” he called after her as she got into her hovercraft.

She jerked her seatbelt into place while he tapped on the window. “Please, let me explain. Sam!”

“Fuck!” he swore when she drove off.

Afterwards, he commed her every few hours to no avail.

On the day of the launch, he still wasn’t sure if she would show even though every time he had obsessively checked the crew roster, her name was still on it next to the position of First Officer.

When he entered the bridge, he breathed an inaudible sigh of relief as she announced his presence.

He got another chance. He would make this right.

It took time to try everything short of groveling at her feet (she would think less of him if he did). They still worked together as a well-oiled machine but their interactions were clipped and coldly professional (on her part). It was perfunctory and it started to show.

Finally, one day he requested her presence in his ready room.

“You asked to see me, Captain Lorca?”

“Yes, Commander Rajavi. Won’t you join me for dinner while we go over this week’s reports?” he asked, gesturing at her favourite dish across the table from him.

He could see her biting the inside of her cheeks, considering. He didn’t want to pull rank and order her to stay, but he would if he had to. Thankfully, he didn’t and she accepted his invitation begrudgingly. For the next hour, it was all business except for the moments when Sam forgot that she was supposed to be mad at him.

When they were done, he was ready to let her go for the day and continue with this new strategy of weekly dinners, using the excuse of going over reports until she fully thawed towards him.

Instead she spoke up and asked, “Permission to speak freely, Captain?”

“Granted.”

“What do you want, Gabriel?”

“I just want us to be friends again, Sam. You know, the way we used to be in the last five years. If we can’t go back to that, then at least this animosity between us has to go. It’s not good for morale.”

She nods tightly in agreement.

He continued to speak while he had the chance, “Look, I fucked up on Earth and I’m sorry. I was a dick that day and I’m pretty sure I’ve been a dick since my marriage started falling apart. You were always there for me when I needed you and I shouldn’t have treated you that way. You are my _best_ friend and I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

Her eyes shined with tears for a brief moment before she schooled her features.

“Will that be all, Captain?”

“Yes,” he said slowly, bewildered by her reaction. “Dismissed.”

She turned around and then he said, “Wait, Sam.”

She stopped.

“What do _you_ want?” he asked gently.

There was a brief pause as she thought about her answer.

Then she said, “To go further back in time,” voice breaking at the end.

After she left, he sat back in his chair and replayed the conversation in his head, not quite sure what he had said wrong.

The next day, he saw immediate improvement in her attitude towards him and it only got better every day after that. The morale on board the ship also improved as a result; it showed in their performance.

Gabriel didn’t see why he and Sam couldn’t continue with the weekly dinners even with water under the bridge. So continue them they did, sometimes eating in the mess with the rest of the crew, other times in his ready room or in his quarters.

They progressed to working out together, reading together, drinking together, and playing 3D chess together. It was nice.

Her company kept him from thinking about his failed relationships and how he was going to fail his son, Thomas. Gabriel’s bouts of loneliness and depression were fewer and farther apart compared to his last tour.

When it was good between them, it was _really_ good. And then, it became _fucking fantastic_ because he found Sam after alpha shift one day. She was in his quarters, sitting on his bed, wearing nothing else but a sheer black negligee.

Needless to say, they became friends with great benefits after that.

~ * ~ * ~

“So you were lovers,” Dr. Carter says, halfway between a statement and a question.

Gabriel shrugs. “We never gave it a name.”

“Lovers are defined as two people having a sexual or romantic relationship with each other, often outside marriage.”

He curls his upper lip in anger. “I was faithful to my wife while we were married!”

She holds up a hand in apology. “That’s just the textbook definition, not an accusation.”

He looks out the window, deflating. While he remained faithful throughout his marriage, Courtney didn’t. She met another man and became lovers while Gabriel was in space. Courtney and the other guy got so close that Thomas called him ‘Dad.’

“Let’s go back to Sam. What role did she play in the destruction of the Buran?”

Gabriel sighs, sad and morose all over again at the reminder of her death. “I’m sure you’ve listened to the recording.”

“An audio file doesn’t give me the whole picture. I’d like you to tell me from your perspective. So what did Sam do before you destroyed the Buran?”

He closes his eyes and swallows. “She saved my life.”

~ * ~ * ~

The Buran had been attacked by a Klingon slave vessel. Currently, they were at a ceasefire after they agreed to meet in person to negotiate for peace. The Buran’s shields were holding, just barely, but its long-rage communications array was completely fried.

Gabriel and Sam strode down long corridors at a fast pace towards a still operational escape shuttle.

“You will rendezvous with the Archer. A course has already been set based on their last known position we have on record. You’ll reach them on auto-pilot. From there you will contact Starfleet Command. Let them know what’s happening here. They will mount a rescue,” Gabriel said, calmly.

“The Archer. Kat’s ship,” Sam said.

“It’s the closest,” he acknowledged.

“How will you explain the shuttle to the Klingons?”

“Let me worry about that.”

“What will you do in the meantime, Captain?”

“I will stay here and negotiate for peace.”

Sam stopped in her tracks. “You’re lying.”

“Excuse me?” Gabriel asked as he turned to face her.

“You’re lying and we both know it. They don’t want peace! They want our surrender and you would never let them enslave your crew when we’re so close to the Qo’noS System. And Starfleet isn’t going to save us; they can’t without risking an all out war with the Klingons. It would be a long, slow, and painful death for the crew and you wouldn’t let them suffer like that. No, you’re going to blow this ship up and take the Klingons down with you.”

Gabriel took a few steps closer to Sam, invading her space. “You’re veering very close to insubordination, Commander,” he said in a low voice.

She tilted her head back to look up at him. “Look me in the eye and tell me that I’m wrong.”

“I don’t have time for this,” he bit out. “Are you going to follow my orders or shall I put you in the brig?”

She stared at him for a while and then stood at attention, back ramrod straight as she looked ahead.

“Good,” he said and continued walking.

She followed him and they spent the rest of the way in tense silence. When they arrived, he keyed opened the doors to the shuttle for her and gestured for her to enter, “Commander.”

She hesitated at the doorway and asked, “Captain, why me?”

“I would spare you you’re worst nightmare, Commander.”

She scrunched up her face in pain, crying, and flung herself into his arms. “Gabriel.”

He hugged her tightly to him and allowed her—no, allowed himself—this moment, knowing that this would be the last he would see of her before he died. He’d never see his son again either.

“Tell Tom I love him.”

“Oh, God,” she breathed, pulling back slightly to look at him. “You really are going to blow it up and you’re going to die with it. This is suicide.”

He tucked some flyaway hairs behind her ear and smiled a little sardonically. “All captains go down with their ship, Sam.”

She pulled him down for a searing kiss and he kissed her back, both pouring all the emotions that they couldn’t say, didn’t have the time to say.

Then he was unceremoniously shoved backwards, stumbling into the shuttle. By the time he got to his feet, both doors had already closed with a hiss and a click.

“Manual override locks engaged,” the computer voiced.

“Commander, what are you doing? Open the doors!” Gabriel yelled as he looked at Sam through the small window.

She looked back at him as she said, “Computer, do you agree that Captain Lorca’s statement of ‘all captains go down with their ship’ confirm that he does intend to commit suicide by blowing up the Buran while aboard?”

“Confirmed.”

“No! Computer, that is not what I meant!” he shouted, but it was fruitless. The manual override locks effectively cut him off from communicating with the Buran’s main computer.

“If he were allowed to continue he would be endangering himself and every living being on this ship, is that correct?”

“Confirmed.”

Gabriel’s mouth dropped in horror as he realized what Sam was doing. Tears welled in her eyes.

“Then by that logic, he is no longer mentally fit to be the captain. Is that correct?”

“Confirmed.”

“Sam, please don’t do this,” he begged.

“As the next highest in rank, does that mean I as First Officer, Commander Samantha Rajavi, am now the acting captain of the Buran?”

“Confirmed.”

Gabriel closed his eyes and sighed in defeat.

“Computer, my first order as Captain is this: copy and store a record of my last conversation with the former Captain Gabriel Lorca on the drives of the shuttle he is currently occupying. Start time from when we left the bridge and stop time to now.”

“Transfer complete.”

“That should save you,” Sam said.

Gabriel opened his eyes to look at her. “I don’t need saving, Sam. I need you to open the doors. Please,” he implored.

“Computer, in the event that I am compromised or captured, reinstate Mr. Gabriel Lorca as Captain. I trust that he will do what is right at that time,” Sam said, looking meaningfully at him.

“Acknowledged.”

“Sam, please reconsider,” he urged.

“Time for you to go, Gabriel. I love you.”

Then she pressed the eject button and he screamed her name as he was jettisoned out.

~ * ~ * ~

Gabriel stares at the clock mounted on the wall, watches as the pendulum swings back and forth. The march of time sounding loud in the silence of the room.

_Tick-tock._

_Tick-tock._

An honest to God _clock_. Looks like Starfleet spares no expenses on the well-being of its officers (disgraced or not) if it can afford a therapist like Dr. Carter who has a _clock_ in her office.

Too bad it’s wasted on him. Credits and resources down the drain.

“Captain Lorca!” Dr. Carter calls out with some volume. Seems like she has been trying to get his attention for the last couple of minutes.

“Not a captain anymore,” he rasps.

“Mr. Lorca, then.”

He tilts his head. Better.

“If Sam were here with you, right now. Alive. What would you say to her?”

“That it should have been me,” he answered without hesitation.

Dr. Carter leans forward in her chair, serious now.

“Before we’re done for the day, you need to understand that you are _not_ responsible for Sam’s death.”

He scoffs and shakes his head, denying.

Dr. Carter plows on like he hadn’t reacted at all. “She made a _choice_.”

“Well, she chose _wrong_.”

“That’s not for us to judge. Be it good or bad, the choice was still _hers_ to make.”

He struggles then. “Why did she—. Why would she—,” he says, unable to finish, exhaling sharply.

Dr. Carter looks at him with kind eyes. “You know why.”

Then she holds out a physical picture of Sam towards him. “I want you to go home and talk to her like she is still here.”

Gabriel takes it, and the accompanying envelope, with bewilderment. ( _Paper._ )

“Grieve for her. Cry if you can. I think it’ll be therapeutic for you. And try to get some rest.”

~ * ~ * ~

Gabriel sits on his couch, sipping what he wishes is whiskey instead of water, and stares at the envelope on the table containing Sam’s picture.

He has been staring at it since he got home, eyed it warily every time he passed by it while pacing back and forth. Frowned at it in quiet contemplation as he forced himself to eat a few bites of his dinner.

Gabriel is—no, was. He _was_ a Starfleet Captain, in command of hundreds of people on his ship. He has doled out punishment, received punishment, withstood torture, survived catastrophes…the list goes on. Yet here he sits, intimidated by a relic of the times: a piece of paper.

He scoffs at himself and sets his glass down. Feeling more than a little bit silly on what he’s about to do, he pulls out the picture from the envelope.

It’s a good one of her. She has a slight, closed-mouth smile and a twinkle in her eye. He traces his fingers over her features, captivated. The arch of her eyebrows, the strong line of her nose, and the pout of her lips, the same ones he has kissed countless times.

She always was the best out of all of them. It had confused him for so many years as to why he, Phil, and Kat got their own ships before she did.

Now that he knows why, he feels heavily burdened with guilt. If he had known, he would have told her not to love him. Then maybe she would have gotten her own ship and be alive instead of him.

The truth is he didn’t love her, not in the way she loved him. He only ever loved her as his best friend.

Perhaps if they had more time, he would have fallen in love with her after he got over his hang-ups about his ex-wife. That was probably what Sam was banking on.

“I’m sorry, Sam. It should have been me,” he says shakily.

A drop of water lands on the photograph. He brushes it off and then touches his cheek, taken aback by the tears streaming unchecked down his face. He wipes his hand on his pants and sniffles.

“You deserved better and I’m so sorry.”

He sobs then, a pained sound. Curling up into a fetal position on his couch, he hugs the picture to his chest and cries himself to sleep. For the first time since the incident, it’s peaceful and dreamless.

~ * ~ * ~

 _The waterside flower pining for love sheds petals, while the heartless brook babbles on._ – Chinese Proverb

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are much appreciated. (Don’t be the heartless brook!)
> 
> I needed broken Captain Gabriel Lorca after he blew up the Buran like I need air. I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> I want to say a big thank you for the writers and producers of Star Trek: Discovery for such a wonderful new show and for letting me play in their sandbox.
> 
> I cut out a sex scene because it didn’t fit with the tone of the story. Let me know if you want to read it and I can post it.
> 
> Inspirations/Explanations:  
> • Four ‘I would rather die’ quotes – The number four in Cantonese, Mandarin, and Taiwanese sounds like death. This is to keep with the Chinese proverb.  
> • Therapy sessions – I watched Awake.  
> • Saman/Samantha Rajavi – I shortened her name to Sam because it can be applied to both genders. I figured she would have changed her name while she was at the academy. She is influenced by Samantha Carter from Stargate SG-1. You know: smart, capable, selfless, and in love with her commanding officer.  
> • Dr. Carter – I’m not good with names so I just borrow from other TV shows. This Dr. Carter is a redhead though.  
> • Sam and Gabriel as roomies – Sam would have had to apply to Starfleet as a male and therefore she got a male roommate.  
> • Starfleet ranks – I am seriously confused with the whole system. I went with ‘Commander’ for Sam as First Officer. Let me know if I got it wrong so that I can fix it.  
> • Thomas – Reference to Tom Felton. Someone asked Jason Isaacs what was the difference between working on Star Trek versus the Harry Potter films. He said “nobody wants to sleep with my son” on Star Trek. Let me fix that for you.  
> • Buran’s ship mechanics – I have no idea how the ship works. For the sake of simplicity, let’s just go with what I’ve made up. If Michael Burnham can logic with the Shenzhou’s computer, then Sam can logic with the Buran’s.


End file.
